Blood, Madness and Other Miscellaneous Happenings
by mallowprint
Summary: Goblet of Fire timeline. Crack fic. The Golden Trio have started their fourth year at Hogwarts, but this time, they have more than one new teacher. Meanwhile, some of the students seem to have lost their sanity, and for once it's not only Luna. Oh, and Voldemort's not the only villain.


_Blood, Madness and Other Miscellaneous Happenings_

 _This plot and the (recognisable) characters do not belong to me, but the Queen, J.K. Rowling._

 _Goblet of Fire timeline. Crack fic._

 _The Golden Trio have started their fourth year at Hogwarts, but this time, they have more than one new teacher. Meanwhile, some of the students seem to have lost their sanity, and for once it's not only Luna. Oh, and Voldemort's not the only villain._

Chapter 1

"Welcome," Headmaster Dumbledore smiled, "to another year at Hogwarts."

One of the new teachers clapped slowly, sarcastically at first, but then it melded into a marching beat. All the students looked around expectantly, but then they too started clapping; unbeknown to them, they were being compelled by ancient vampyre magic.

Lightning suddenly struck, and just on time, a drunk-looking idiot stumbled in, muttering something at the roof which didn't seem to do anything.

"Ah! Moody, my good friend! Just in time," Dumbledore stood up and hugged the other man.

"Always knew he was gay," Lavender whispered loudly, much to the amusement of others.

Acting on reflexes that seemed almost inhumane, Moody spun around and boomed, "You! Girl! I'LL –"

"It's quite alright, Moody," Dumbledore chuckled, "she's right you know."

The entire Hogwarts community – even the teachers – gasped theatrically.

"Really?! Oh gosh, we didn't know!" the new teacher (the one who had foreseen Moody's entrance) put his hand to his chest, instantly winning over the entire female population and most of the gay or bisexual males too – after all, that's the way Hogwarts worked: once a semi-decent male arrives, he's The Man. Not to mention he was also funny and extremely attractive with pale skin, well-groomed shoulder length black hair, and stormy, smouldering eyes.

 _Far more handsome than that Lockhart fraud_ , Lavender thought.

"Ah," the Headmaster said, as though he had yet another pointless epiphany, "If we would please welcome our two new teachers, Professor Mad-Eye Moody, taking over Defence Against the Dark Arts, and," he gestured to pale male, "Professor Vlad taking over History of Magic."

Parvarti started sobbing, "Oh if only he weren't the _History_ teacher! History teachers are so _boring!_ I shall surely fall asleep in his _history_ speeches, lectured by that beautiful velvety voice! If only…" At that moment Lavender seemed to realise what had happened and she too, started sobbing along with half the female population.

The rest, the slightly saner half of Hogwarts, started wondering where Binns was off to.

Majority shrugged – no one would really miss him. Hermione, however, started sobbing along with the other girls, but for completely different reasons. "Oh, Harry! How am I to learn about the Great Goblin War now?! Harry-!"

With that, the food was spoilt by their lack of appetite: the girls were crying over the lost opportunity of having a hot teacher who wouldn't bore them to sleep, and the boys were too put off by the girls sobbing little pools in their food. (Except Ron, of course, who was wolfing down the chicken like it was his last meal.)

No one noticed the brilliant Durmstrang and Beauxbatons performances in their subdued state, and no one asked where Binns was. After all, no one liked him. Except Hermione. Who was still in no fit state to demand an answer.

"I have an announcement to make!" Luna cried, standing in the middle of the Ravenclaw turret, "I have acquired a pet: Villikens."

Luna proceeded to thrust out a handful of black fluff with wide, light blue eyes peeking out of it, into the faces of her fellow Ravens and Frenches, who all suddenly shivered and cried from fear.

"T-T-Take her aw-away! Take the evil creature away!" a Raven shrilled.

They cowered away from the empty, glinting blue beads, a single nonsensical thought circling loops around their brains: _Villikens was Grindlewald reincarnated. LUNA MUST BE SAVED._

But of course, they weren't Gryffindors, so they weren't going to outright say it; they weren't Hufflepuffs, so they weren't going to go around inculcating it; they weren't Slytherins, either, and didn't think to mesh up an elaborate plan to murder 'Grindlewald'. No – they were going to do what they did best – sit and think. And not do anything serious about it. After all, everything passed away sometime – just like Potter and Malfoy were going to leave Hogwarts give three years. Or how they were going to finally confess their undying affections and walk off into the sunset with roses and wedding bells, and precious rings. Either way, no one would care after a while. So they sat. And pretended to think.

Meanwhile, Luna skipped off whistling, all the while thinking, I _t works! It really works, just like Daddy said it would! Villikens will protect me from the bullies now – no one will part her from me –_

Ever.

 _In the Gryffindor common room_

"Password's _semper fortis_ – don't forget it, Neville!" Oliver Wood chuckled, patting him on the back as he walked past.

Neville didn't like that. He wasn't going to let himself be underestimated again. And Wood was far too cheerful in his opinion.

"Now that you mention it, _knock wood_ , I just might've done something these holidays to fix that horrendous memory. Now what was it again…?" Neville grinned manically, "Oh yes. I had that little delicacy of an elder bottlenose dolphin's heart and brain. They've got the longest memories in the animal kingdom… but of course," he sneered, "you wouldn't know that with all your 'with courage, succeed will come to you' attitude.

" _Whoever wishes to join me in taking over the Wizarding World, come! If you don't… LEAVE. I don't wish to see your face again._ " Neville cackled, suddenly standing upon the couch, his arms wide.

Out of the throng, Hermione and Harry frolicked over, leaving Ron behind in shambles. "Oh Neville, I'm so proud: look at you! You're finally embracing your true self!" Hermione gushed.

Harry suddenly knelt before Neville on one knee, his head bowed. "I am yours forever, My Lord."

Ron seemed to shake himself from his stupor, " _Harry!_ _Hermione!_ Have you all gone _mad!_ Can't you see that Neville's gonna be the next _Dark Lord!_ How dare you Harry – you're the Light's Saviour! We need you, come back, mate!

"And Hermione, I was just gonna ask, can you help me with my Potions holiday homew–"

 _Slap!_

"Weasley… I must say, you had me fooled all those years," Hermione suddenly turned around, seething, her eyes dark. "I thought we were friends… but now I see it all _so_ clearly," she laughed, scaring the entire common room (it sounded bizarrely close to Bellatrix's cackle.) "You only let me stay around because I did all your homework. Well, _Weasel,_ you're more of a _snake_ than you ever realised, using me like that; I'll not let you do it this year too. So this is from me, _your best friend 'Mione_ ," she said in a sing-song voice, and proceeded to punch him in the gut. Ronald Weasley then started coughing up blood from the sheer force Hermione had hit him with.

"'Nia, leave him conscious for me…" Harry finally spoke, his face expressionless except his eyes, which were as hard and cruel as an AK itself, if not more. " _Mate,_ you really played me, didn't you? I thought we were best friends… but I'm no longer blind now. You were ordered to befriend me by Dumbledore, weren't you? To make sure I didn't stray from my path? Well. I've strayed now. _I'd watch my back if I were you, Weasel."_ Harry too, then proceeded to punch him over the head, kicked him in the groin, then finally cast _glaucomus_. "I constructed this spell personally in my holidays – for you. Did you know," Harry's eyes glowed, "that a overused build-up of the Glaucoma curse can blind you? But if a strong intent is put in on the first try… You'll be blinded. You won't be able to see anything, but you'll still have every last seeing memory… Naturally, of course, when you're forbidden to use something, you usually remember the last instance you used them… and for you, that'll be seeing me, you _best mate_ , casting the curse." He blinked. "And these eyes unnerve you, don't they? Remind you of an _Avada Kedavra_ 's light?" Harry cackled, "well, be sure to burn it into your memory, sweets, for it's all you'll be seeing 'till your death." He then proceeded to chant _vulnerare cum glaucoma enormiter_ until the Ronald Weasley's eyeballs seemed to 'pop' with finality, then dimmed to a cloudy, muddy brown.

"I'll let you in on a secret," Harry whispered into Weasley's ear, "the Hat insisted I were put into Slytherin… If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this hell-hole right now. But of course, I must thank you, for letting me meet Neville. Hermione: she wasn't meant to be in Gryffindor either. She too, insisted to the Hat that Gryffindor was where she wanted to be… and you know why? _All because of Neville and I._ If it weren't for you… well, we'd all be a lot happier." he spat, spittle intentionally landing in Weasley's ear, then cackled once more. "Like I said: _watch your back._ "

Harrison straightened up, his features blanking, then stood next to his new Lord.

Neville crowed gleefully, "well done, Harry, Hermione. Come now," he turned, sneering at the gaping Gryffindorks, "let us leave these buffoons. We have plans to make if we want to conquer the Wizarding World." He twirled, cloak billowing out and around him in a way that would make even Snape proud, then strutted back to a dorm room door that no one had noticed before, Harrison and Nia following.

They didn't hear the Gryffindors recovering from the shock half an hour later, then proceeding to comment on how Hermione was acting awfully a lot like she was possessed by Bellatrix Lestrange; nor did they hear them commenting on Neville's surprisingly new, form fitting robes which accentuated his best features, and his new short haircut which made him look surprisingly mature for a fifteen year old fourth year.

 _In the Slytherin common room (with the Durmstrang students)_

"The Durmstrang students will be staying here in the new dorms Hogwarts has created for them. I'm sure they'll be welcomed." Blaise Zabini intoned.

The Slytherins blinked, then went back to doing Merlin-knows-what they were doing previously. The Durmstrangs nodded politely, then they too shrugged and went back to doing whatever they were doing before.

Zabini and Malfoy looked at each other and shrugged. They didn't know exactly what went on in everyone's heads and didn't care.

Despite what people thought, Draco Malfoy was not the Ice Prince of Slytherin. In fact, he and Blaise were actually the only people they knew in Slytherin who actually had hearts. But of course, no one knew that except themselves. And they were keeping it that way. The same way Blaise was keeping the secret that Draco actually held a secret place for Potter in his heart, regardless of what he would say. It was, ultimately, a friend's duties to keep their friend's secret. No matter if that friend even knew they had a secret. It was complicated business, keeping secrets, but Blaise did it well.

After all, it was he who kept the secret from everyone of his secret love for Ginevra Weasley. It wouldn't do for anyone to know he held affections for a blood traitor: a _Gryffindor_ blood traitor nonetheless. Regardless of her flaming red hair which matched her personality, her long, curving red eyelashes that brushed her cheeks each time she blinked, and those warm brown eyes, which left an ache in his chest every time they froze into icy spheres when she glared at him with burning hatred…

The secret he was keeping for his friend had nothing to do with this affection, of course.

 _In the Hufflepuff common room_

Ernie Macmillan was, once again, preaching. But this time it wasn't on how Harry Potter has _got_ to be the heir of Slytherin because of his Parseltongue abilities; no, this time it was about how Luna had _most certainly_ drugged all the influential students of the school. His speech, as follows:

"We, as proud Hufflepuffs, are: dedicated, patient and loyal. Our emblematic animal, the badger, is said to stop at nothing to get what it wants. Which is why _we_ , as the only sane house left in Hogwarts, must exterminate the madness that is Luna! She has drugged all the prominent figures at Hogwarts:

"The Ravenclaws, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Headmaster Dumbledore, the two new teachers, and all the Slytherins (excluding Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini).

"What we must do," Ernie declared, "is to convince the drugger, and the drugged, of the truth! Luna Lovegood has left her sanity for real, once and for all! She should be brought to Dumbledore to be returned to her sane state –"

Hannah Abbot giggled, "Has she ever been sane?" much to the mirth of everyone else.

"– however," Ernie glared at Hannah for daring to interrupt his life-changing speech, who proceeded to cower in his presence, "that is not possible, with Headmaster Dumbledore having also been drugged. So I will take matters into my own hands!" Ernie then raised his arms in the air, motivated by himself, "And make all the drugged and drugger _see_!"

" _See_?" a third year whispered, "Don't tell me he's possessed too?!"

The rumour spread like wildfire:

Ernie Macmillan was possessed by Sybill Trelawney.

 _A/N:_

 _I didn't actually go on Google Translate for majority of my spells as I'm learning Latin, but as a student, I'm bound to make mistakes, so if you spot any, I apologise._

 _semper fortis means 'always brave' in Latin, and vulnerare cum glaucoma enormiter means 'to wound with glaucoma hugely'_

 _I wanted to give 'Harrison' and 'Nia' both nicknames to symbolize them 'shedding their old skin', so to speak, and becoming new people. I also know that the Harrison nickname is way overdone, and I apologise for that. I couldn't find any better alternatives to Harry – if you do have any suggestions, however, feel free to comment them!_

 _Thank you for reading! *bows* I hope you continue to read – I have a small series planned out, but I'm making alterations along the way… This was first planned in our school locker rooms during a lapse of sanity due to bordem… ahem… Anyhow, as I'm a novice at writing on Fanfiction (you might've noticed this is my first story), I highly appreciate constructive criticism, or grammar corrections and the lot._

 _*bows head in shame in an imitation of those scenes in the anime movies* you see, this was first written with the intentions of succeeding the five stories or 6000 words criteria for the Beta Reader requirements, but has taken a path of its own… I think I might actually continue after 6000 words…_

 _Well, I mean, if I get a positive response; after all, it's every writer's dream to have their work appreciated… *winks, then turns around and cackles*_

 _Coming up: Will Neville Longbottom succeed in Dark Lord-ing? Who is the new History of Magic teacher, really? Does Draco really hold Harry in his heart, locked so deep that even he doesn't know, or is it just a giant scheme for Blaise to get the girl of his dreams – Ginny Weasley? Will anyone believe Ernie Macmillan's attempts to pacify Hogwarts in his forceful ways?_


End file.
